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Summer. Relaxation. A reminder from God about letting it all hang out, playing, watching the fruit of our labors bloom. I sit on the deck and a bright cardinal and his wife fly to the branches of a tree right in front of me, watching me, chirping their electronic chirps, clearly blessing me with a visit. Eating outside makes everything taste better. I listen to the locusts start their buzz saw sound softly. It crescendos so slowly becoming louder and louder until it reverberates in my heart and I hold my breath wondering how loud it will get, until suddenly it just lets go, drops off, and I take a breath and silently say bravo and applaud.
Oh, there’s still a lot of work. There always is. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I’m cleaning out and rearranging everything in my house again. It seems I am compelled to do this whenever someone moves in or out. In this case, it is Gale and Lakota. They are in their new house---and what a house! Julie and I went there last night. Julie gasped as we drove up. (I’ve seen it several times, so I was prepared.) It is an updated Frank Lloyd Wright design, modified for Gale and the hill it sits on. I could go on and on about it, the incredible stonework all throughout the inside and outside, the space, the livability of it, the feeling of it. Let me just say I think it’s the most beautiful house I’ve ever been in. Perfect. Unpretentious and flawless. It is a work of art. I am so happy for Gale and so proud of her. Having seen her go from her shared one bedroom apartment in New York years ago to this is awesome.
I have been inspired by Gale--in many ways, the ease with which she has continued to run a very complicated bi-coastal business with lots of problems and oversee the building of this magnificent house at the same time--not to mention building a gorgeous web site (which you must check out--at ReadytoRoll.com!) And she still had time to hang out with us as if there was nothing else in the world she had to do. Only a few times would she share with me some of the problems that came up in the routine of her day, problems that would make my mouth drop open in astonishment. Even with all this, she would jump in when she was here and cook and do the dishes and plant tomatoes along with Julie and me--just one of us gals. She is relaxed---not in any flashy talk-a-lot-of-spiritual-stuff way. It is demonstrated more in her great and frequent laugh. We all laughed a lot. Sometimes, I would be in my bedroom and I would hear Gale on the phone laughing wildly. At the same time I could hear Julie downstairs on the phone also laughing wildly. Wonderful.
Gale is a personification of the 4 P’s. Talk about committed! She knows what she wants, and even when everyone, including me, was advising her to sell her house and find another piece of property, she wanted to stay there in that community of people she liked. Against all logic and sound advice, she went ahead with what she wanted to do, and, as I told her last night, she was right! An authentic commitment can look insane to everyone else. We all thought she was crazy to knock down that perfectly good house (it was ugly) and build there, but she was right. It’s been great having her here (and, of course, Lakota).
And that brings me to the topic of discussion here...having to do with Relaxation. Since relaxation has principally to do with the contexts of the mind, faith is a large part of relaxation. If one has great faith, one is relaxed, yes? So, what if, like me, there are areas in life in which you have no faith? Things you want in your life, but you believe you cannot get them? You have the desire, but you cannot be consistent because you have no faith and may even be afraid. There are many fears and beliefs that destroy our relaxation, and, fortunately, there are many techniques to help us. One that I have become aware of lately is INSPIRATION.
Gale is an inspiration to me in many ways, and I have also recently been inspired by a video called Body of Work. It is a documentary made by a guy named Bill Phillips, who is a body builder, publishes Muscle Media magazine, and owns a company called EAS that makes supplements like protein drinks and metabolism boosters. He had a contest to see how much people could improve their bodies in just twelve weeks. The video is about the ten finalists. Most of them were very, very out of shape when they began to train. What they did is almost unbelievable. I’m still not sure I believe it. What happened to their psyches and their lives during this process moved me to tears frequently as I watched the video. I fell in love with each one of them. To me, it was a breathtaking demonstration of the four principles at work: a clear desire, consistency, ease, and support. Bill Phillips’ commitment is palpable and inspiring in this video.
I remember years ago going to an all day speechifying event: all high profile inspirational speakers--good--but the one who impressed me the most was a man I had never heard of before: a guy named Arnold Schwartzenegger. I was not at all interested in body building. In fact, greatly muscled bodies seemed a bit grotesque to me. But, I was captured by his wisdom and how body building strengthened his mind. His talk was all about how he learned to handle his mind.
After watching the Body of Work video, I started gathering information. I checked out Bill Phillips’ web site at eas.com and found out that there is a new contest (the sixth one already) starting on July 26. So, I have applied. It’s been like enrolling in a workshop. At first I actually got very scared. All my considerations and doubts and hopelessness have surfaced. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I’m already too old to change my body. This is just the way I am. Blah, blah, blah. However, for no
reason that I can logically explain, I am now really, really excited about doing this. I don’t believe I can do this. I’m not even sure I trust or believe what the instructions say: do this only 4 hours per week. Six days a week, doing weight training only three days a week. Aerobics only 20 minutes a day the 3 other times a week. Already I know without a shadow of a doubt that that is not enough and is not going to work for me. But. I’m going to do it as an experiment...much as I ask students in class to try what I suggest as an experiment because it goes so against what they believe and have been told.
I ordered the supplements and started taking them. In a few days I started feeling so much energy that people were remarking about it. They could see it or hear it in my voice over the phone. The exercise portion of this is harder for me. Fortunately, when Lee was here, we worked out with weights, so I have some acquaintance with them even though I stopped as soon as he stopped going to the gym with me. I realized that I am never going to do this on my own: I need support. One day I was at the Y--doing it on my own and I saw a young woman training another woman. Jeez. She was tough. I just happened to run into this same trainer as I was leaving. I found out that it only cost $33 per session if I signed up for at least ten. So, I did. In the first session with her, she worked me so hard I became faint and thought I was going to puke. In her soft little blond way, she kept me going. She pushes me so much harder than I would push myself, it’s clear that I need her if I’m really going to do this.
I know I’m going to get a lot out of this process. I have already. Truly, my mind says I will not change my body. My mind absolutely believes it is a hopeless cause. What I have learned is that I can be committed to the process even in the midst of such hopelessness because of the inspiration and support.. One of the requirements for the contest is to have a picture taken holding the front page of a newspaper (to verify your starting date) wearing a bathing suit: for women a bikini!!!!! The last time I wore a bikini was about 30 years ago. I had to borrow one from Julie. It was a pretty horrifying experience to put on a bikini at my age and step out into the cruel sunlight. In a kind of cruel joke (I do think God sometimes has a questionable sense of humor) the headline of my newspaper blared HOPE FADES. When I saw the results of the photo, the headline couldn’t have been more perfect. I won’t bother to relate the judgments and conclusions my mind said. There were lots of them. They were all bad, absolute, and I believed them all.
Yet, my mind did not stop me from going to the gym and continuing in the process. This is nothing short of a miracle to me, because my mind has stopped me in the past again and again and again. What’s different now?
Well, first of all, Julie helped me get very present with my intense hopelessness and sadness. After I boo hooed and cried for awhile, she brilliantly pointed out the dynamics of what was really going on by helping me get present with the events in my life that day! And what she pointed out was that just before I looked at the picture I was very excited and happy because I had just been asked to sign with a very good agency, the Monty Silver Agency...who I have been working with for awhile and who seems to me the best agency for me...the best one I have ever had. Not only that, there was great interest in me for a good film role. What Julie helped me be present with was that it was easier and more familiar for me to go to sadness and defeat rather than happiness and success. Bingo. Yeah. The cloud lifted. I have often pointed out the same thing to others in this work, and there it was being reflected back to me. I am so fortunate to have this work and support in my life now. What keeps me going to the gym is the basic commitment (I do want a strong, beautiful body) along with inspiration (the video and Bill Phillips’ unquestioning faith that we can do it) and lots of support (a trainer and 4 or 5 friends, including Julie, who are doing this contest too.) It’s helping me learn about being consistent (I’ve been going to the gym six days a week.) It’s teaching me how to not burn out. Phillips says only do this 4 hours a week total. I haven’t been perfect in this because I don’t believe him completely. So, I slip in twenty more minutes of aerobics before weight training. But, I’m exercising in much, much less time than my mind tells me I need to. As a result, I won’t "burn out" on exercise as I have in the past. By the way, the video is free. Order it by calling 1 800 297 9776. The only thing Phillips asks is that if you also feel inspired by this tape to send $15 to the Children’s Make a Wish Foundation. To me, it is a prime example of the Four Principles at work.
As I move through this process, I am becoming more and more aware of the deviousness of the mind--especially in the midst of fear! The mind! The mind! Here’s the thing I notice--and it is true! When we are afraid, the mind will tell us just the opposite of what is true. For instance, I am afraid (really) to have a strong, sexy body. Scares the hell out of me for reasons that are all in the past. I have closely held the belief that I am not physically strong (so I can’t exercise). The other day my trainer said I was the strongest woman my age she had ever trained. Really? I said, not believing her. Yeah, she added. You’re strong even for women much younger than you.
The mind. The mind. It turns our unexperienced fear into the craziest wrongest conclusions it can. And, then, gets us to believe them. The mind is totally loony when trying to manage fear.
A good friend, an actress (who shall remain anonymous in order to protect her from a lifetime of ridicule) tells me that she absolutely cannot have an acting career because she doesn’t know about eyebrows. "What?’ I say, not really understanding (as who would). In asking for clarification, as best I can understand it, this is how she came to that conclusion. She reads an article in a magazine about a man who is an "eyebrow guru" as she put it. The man is so knowledgeable about eyebrows that women throw Tupperware-like eyebrow parties in which he comes and tells you what shape your eyebrows need to be for your particular face, and then shapes them charging a ridiculous sum of money (less for follow up visits). She’s reading this article on top of unexperienced fear about the fact that she is in the process of getting herself out there as an actress doing what she does brilliantly and loves so much. Her mind, wishing to control the fear, wants to stop her and through a process of lightning-quick mental manipulations draws the conclusion that she is not knowledgeable enough about things she needs to know regarding a career starting with having the right eyebrows.
Insidious.
She says all this with such a straight face that I listen open-mouthed and then, when she is finished, I scream with laughter--um, compassionately, of course, and fall off the couch. This, as it turns out, is a perfectly valid Enlightenment technique. She blinks her eyes several times and looks like she wakes up.
Now, everyone who knows Julie knows that...oh, my god, I’ve said her name, subjecting her to a lifetime of shame and degradation. People are always so worried that I’m going to talk about them in the newsletter. As careful as I’ve tried to be not to mention names except in complimentary words, one person became very angry at me for a reference that could, given enough scrutiny, be traced back to her--uh--him--er--it. Well, now, I’ve done it. Might as well continue. Everyone who knows Julie and has seen her work thinks she’s a brilliant actress and writer, and her eyebrows work just fine.
The great problem with commitment (love, the heart or soul’s desire) is that it arouses so much FEAR.
So, how do we combat all this fear? One way is to hone and encourage our desires. The stronger and more conscious the love and desire, the greater the impulse to move through the fear. We can find the strength to lift a piano if it is crushing a loved one. We must be willing to tell the truth about our authentic heartfelt desires. What we decide we should do from our minds has no true strength and will not move us through our barriers. Don’t tell yourself, for instance that you should start exercising just because I’m writing about it. It is important to do what you want to do, when you are ready to do it...step by step.
It is important to identify and tell the truth about what we really want--in spite of our training, our rules, or "sound" advice. This is so difficult because the mind will lie and tell us all kinds of things...like we don’t really want what we want or that we don’t really love what we love.
That’s the real hard part. But, with enough quality support and some inspiration, we can tell the truth about what we want and shine a light on our fears--which takes away their power--and keep going on the path of our heart and soul’s desires.
There is a wonderful, easy-to-miss moment at the beginning of the Body of Work video in which Bill Phillips is admiring himself in the mirror and flexing his arm muscles. Off camera someone shouts at him, "Hey, Bill! What’re you doing?"
"Uh, looking for a shirt," he lies in response. Wonderful, I thought. He allows himself to be vain. He loves his arm muscles and even talks about it in his training booklet. That, to me, is exceedingly refreshing. He is committed to his body, and he is clearly committed to helping others be committed to having strong, healthy bodies.
When actors do improvisations in class, I remind them to choose a strong commitment--something they really, really want because the one with the most powerful commitment takes control of what happens in an improvisation.
There is a line in The Siege. Annette Benning’s character says, "The one with the strongest commitment wins." That line had a strong impact on Julie and provoked a great question: If I were the most committed, what would I do?
Great question.
When asking that question recently regarding a situation, she found, to her astonishment, that the most committed response to it was "No." We talked about it. How important NO is! Knowing what you don’t want and backing yourself up is a hugely commmitted thing to do. "Don’t do anything you don’t want to do!" Mother called out to me one night when I visited recently. "It’s the key to life!" she added emphatically as I kissed her good night. Indeed. There is simply no way to do what you want to do until you can clearly say no to what you don’t want to do.
If you were the most committed, what would you do? It’s a question worth sitting with every day. It’s finding the answer to that question and taking one small step toward it that is the bravest and sometimes hardest thing we can do in life.
Speaking of which, I gotta get to the gym!
CLASSES
New York classes:
Sunday eve 7-10
Monday eve 7- 10
412 West 42nd St
1 800 355 5377
New Class!!!!!!
Speaking of inspiration, I find myself truly inspired by the work that is going on in the Sunday and Monday classes. So much so that I thought, "Gee. I wish I could study with me!" I’ve had that thought before, but I finally came up with an answer--even better. In the right progression of the teacher becomes the student and the student becomes the teacher, Julie Manon is going to teach a Monday afternoon class, and I’m her first student. So, whenever we get a class together, we’ll start. If you are interested, call.
A LITTLE NEWS
MARK BOGOSIAN was wonderful as Lysander in the New Jersey Summerfare production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. No one would ever guess that he had never done Shakespeare before. He held his own right along with the experienced Paul Hecht. It was FUN!
The talented GREG GASAWSKI directed his own play, Columbus Day at the red room theatre in May. Sorry I missed it, but I’m sure it was great.
COREY LANE keeps producing, writing and directing. ELLE ALEXANDER and ANNA EWING BULL appeared together in a play that he wrote called The House of the Unholy at the Producers club.
JANE CHEN appeared in Genesis at the Lincoln Center Theater Director’s Lab.
MELODY FENSTER is appearing in Oleanna at the Elmwood Playhouse in Nyack July 16 through August 7. Reservations 914 353 1313.
They love BABS WINN on the Home Shopping Channel. She really sells those products! Breaking records and making them, of course. Buy her CD! It is so good! 212 769 9337! Order now!
DEBBIE TROCHE appeared in Even the Jungle (slight return) at NADA in NYC. Unfortunately, I missed that, too.
I’m hoping to see AMY ANDREWS and LISA ROCK in KURU. It’s an evening of improvisation that I hear is just great.
BILL BRODERICK is playing the lead in The Sound of Music at the Zeiterion Theater in Bedford, MA. Aug 5-8, and 13-15. Sounds like a great opportunity for a little road trip! 508 991 5212.
Send me a card or a note if you have anything that you wish included in the newsletter....News or Requests.
Dateline Asheville, NC. I’m here for 4 wks filming Songcatcher with Aiden Quinn and Janet McTeer! More later!
A friend/student takes the Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus interpretation of the difference between men and women to its extreme saying he thinks men are sociopaths and women are crazy. I get that. Absolutely. It is true when they are not experiencing their fear.
I have compassion for men: they are not allowed to experience their fear--ever. It is not cool. There is even a socially approved, nay encouraged response to their unexperienced fear: fight or flight. That’s the male’s choice. Abandonment is a well-honed male response. It may arouse a tsk tsk that’s-a-shame reaction, but it is practically expected of men to do that, as if they are genetically engineered to withdraw. But, of course, no man who withdraws when faced with unexperienced fear ever gets that that is the reason. Un uhn. That would call the game. Anymore than men could admit they fight and kill because they are terrified.
Traditionally, women have not had the option of fight or flight. Physically weaker, they cannot do battle, and where would they go if they chose flight? Mostly, they have been forced to stay right there--not that they want to, of course. So, one way they have learned to manage fear is by going crazy, becoming dotty like Ms Haversham, deluded like Blanche DuBois, or emotionally abusive like...well, like many of our mothers. Many men I know fear the emotional brutality of women. Perhaps it is that women are forced to choose a kind of internal fight or flight.
Here’s one: Have you ever heard this one? "I don’t want to hurt you." Here is someone who is so desperately afraid of being hurt that they’re going to lash out first--make sure they do it first. Another power play. What a clear warning. As soon as someone says, "I don’t want to hurt you." They’re already planning it.
A guy once said to me after we..uh..got together, "I make hate not love." He was sitting on the edge of the bed, head hanging down, so I wasn’t sure I had heard correctly. "What did you say?"
"I make hate, not love."
In one of those fortunate moments of grace that God grants me every now and then, I burst out laughing. Drama and laughter do not coexist very well, so we did not see each other again. Thank God. Obviously, I had not really opened my heart to him.
I have seen women put up with behavior from men that is downright shocking--behavior they would not even begin to tolerate if they were not so split off from themselves--if their Persephone within weren’t in Hell, and their Demeter back up on earth. On the other hand, what triggers the pain may not be abusive. There’s no way of knowing until one is firmly back on earth
The most stunning moment for me in Good Will Hunting was when the psychiatrist grabbed the boy and repeated over and over again and again, "It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault." When the boy was able to hear it and absorb it and believe it, he was able to make a breakthrough in his ability to love and be loved.
I’ve heard so many stories about wives and mothers who seem unable to see the husband/father’s abuse because they’re too afraid to tell themselves the truth. They’re caught in their own early survival fear. The daughter sees that response and adopts it as her own. Thus denial perpetuates through generations and become embedded deep in wounds.
