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Whoo. Whoo. I’m on the magic train ridin’ down that magic track. I don’t know how long before I derail. I’ve been on the magic track before, and I’ve derailed before. But I’m beginning to see what puts me there in the first place, what throws me off, and what can get me back on.
First of all, what do I mean by magic? It’s synchronicity. The magic track is experiencing synchronicity on a consistent basis. Moment by moment. Second by second. Or maybe it’s first by first. Magic is sweet, filled with love, synchronistic, shows up when you really need it, responds to heartfelt requests, sometimes appears without even asking, is playful, increases joy, and makes me believe in God and the essential goodness of the Universe.
Dolphins, to me are the personification of magic. I’m certain that they are in touch with magic All. The. Time. When I was doing The Creative Explosion workshops down in the Keys on the docks surrounded by dolphins, I called the workshop Creating Magic because dolphins bring one’s experience up to that level.
Magic exists in the everyday, mundane world. Magic is having things appear to you just at the moment you need them--sometimes they can appear instantly. Sometimes it takes a little time. For me, magic always lightens things up. There is humor in it.
Example: Julie and I are driving into the city. In a playful discussion I talk about Lakota (our resident Black Lab) and how she is able to get people to pet her. She does this wild butt wiggle and no one can resist going to her and petting her. I’ve tried the butt wiggle. I can do it well---almost as good as Lakota. It has no effect on people. So, I said, "Maybe it’s the fur! Maybe if I had such nice, thick fur people would want to pet me too!" We laughed, of course, knowing the impossibility of that. That night, Babs and Rodney and Helen Louise and Julie blew me away by giving me a floor length fur coat! Fake fur, of course, and soft, softer than Lakota’s.
"Early birthday," Babs said.
Early birthday?! My birthday’s in April! ("Here you go, Katherine, with the exclamation marks." "Well, you tell me how I write about my life without them and I’ll do it.") Julie got one, too, but it actually is close to her birthday.
What do you need to be inorder to get on the magic track? No better than you already are. I am imperfect. I’m actually becoming more aware of my imperfections daily. I was standing in the kitchen thinking about something--a problem in my life. I saw a fortune cookie on the counter. I picked it up. "Okay," I said to myself. "This will be my guidance in this problem. This is the future!" A bit risky that, but I opened it up and read: The greatest danger could be your stupidity.
That was not what I wanted or expected to read. I stood in the kitchen looking at it stupidly for a few moments--you know, like, a bit hurt by the Universe. Ow. I always thought of myself as being kinda, well, smart. On the edge of the moment I saw the humor, but I didn’t laugh, yet. What did it actually mean? I read it to my friend, Lee, who was here for a visit. "Stupidity would be following your head instead of your heart," he said.
Duh.
Yeah. I begin to understand. I have spent so much of my life listening to old thoughts, old programming in my head. Every time I have followed my heart, it has lead me where I need to go--even if it is into great pain. In a humble but not really judgmental way, I hung out with the idea of my stupidity. I began to love
and cherish this "fortune". A way to remind myself. (Get it? Re Mind myself...put it together in a better way.) I see how my stupidity reveals itself in my mind’s resistance to receiving and accepting magic.
Not too long ago I was walking on a foggy beach in Montauk with a friend. No one was on the beach for miles. It was a strangely beautiful day. The horizon disappeared in the gray air and water. Huge, powerful waves crashed on the golden sand. I became aware of an incident in my life in which I had made a pretty bad mistake. The awareness of hurting someone whom I loved as deeply as I can love shattered me. Out of control I wailed and cried. I writhed on the sand. The grief hit me in uncontrollable waves. After a long time, I thought I was calm enough to walk. We started down the deserted, wide, expanse of beach. Another wave of grief slapped me down on the ground, literally brought me to my knees. I realized that this incident went to the core of my being, a core in which I believed I was evil. I screamed to God, "Oh, God. You’re gonna have to help me with this one. I’m willing, but I can’t do it. I’m willing to be changed right down to that core! " I screamed and cried and kicked up a lot more sand. When I calmed down a bit, my friend said, "Katherine. Come here. Hold out your pinky." My friend held out an object that still had sand on it. It was a dolphin ring! Of course, it fit.
"Where did you get this?!" I said.
"Right there where you fell and started kicking up the sand."
Now , here’s where my mind gets stupid. I said, "Did you plant this there?!"
"No. Actually, I thought you had dropped it until I saw that you were wearing gloves."
"You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?" I ask with stupid suspicion.
"Why would I lie?"
"To make me think there is a God."
My mind resists the reality of that ring. I have to Re Mind myself of the facts. In one spot of miles and miles of deserted beach at the exact moment that I asked for help from God from the depths of my soul, a ring appeared. A dolphin ring. And nothing could be closer to God and magic to me than a dolphin. And. Even more mind blowing than that, it was handed to me by the friend I had wronged.
Yeah. There is a real danger that my mind is too stupid to comprehend such a moment of grace and unconditional love.
Magic is not wiggling your nose and making things happen instantly. Magic can be tha fast, but it is more about having what is wanted and needed show up--instantly. Lately, synchronistically, I have been running into messages about consistency. It’s as if the Universe has been saying to me, "All right, Katherine, it’s time you learned to be consistent."
In the past consistency has sounded like some kind of a prison sentence. Consistency has meant to me do every day what you hate to do and what bores you to tears. Consistency meant going to high school (which I hated), working at a job you loathed (which I never actually did but feared greatly.) It meant rigidity, harshness, dullness, boredom, drudgery, being stuck, lifelessness.
It never meant things like being consistent with pleasure or fun or self care or anything that was nurturing or nourishing. It never meant doing something that I loved to do and doing it a lot--every day. It never meant being good to myself every day.
Most of my life (including my acting career) has been done by fits and starts, but I’ve been getting the message about consistency pretty consistently lately. A Weight Watchers flyer mailed to someone else showed up on my desk. So, I’ve started doing Weight Watchers again. It was in looking at the issues of food and weight again that I was struck by the fact that even when I have lost weight in the past, I kept my "fat" clothes. Somewhere inside me, I was planning on gaining weight again. I was planning on not being consistent. I also kept my "thin" clothes because I was planning on losing weight again, too. I suppose one could say I am consistently inconsistent.
I went to the dermatologist recently. I almost laughed when the doctor said that I could repair the damage I did to my skin during those years of sun worship, but it would take a year and it would involve a little ritual that I would have to perform every morning and every evening. I listened to the nurse explain the ritual: I must use only two squirts of this, and a quarter size of this, and just a pea size of that. I must wait 15 minutes between each application. All this instruction is to a woman who doesn’t even floss! My desire, is to get a solution fast...take a big handful of the stuff and slap it on..or, how about just ripping all the skin off my face in some kind of operation and starting over. I don’t even care if it’s really painful as long as it’s fast, fast fast! Snap my fingers and let’s do it! Nike, baby. No. this woman expects me to take just a pea size amount of this stuff and gently pat, pat, pat it all over my eye area?! Is she nuts?! I don’t have time to do that!
So, I realized that if I was going to do this, it would require recontextualizing consistency in a big way. While it may seem strange to discuss magic and consistency at the same time, it is clear to me that this is how some magic is created--one little...maybe very tiny step at a time...taken consistently over time. Electric light! Edison’s ten thousand experiments. I look at the ten huge volumes of Will and Ariel Durant’s history of the world over there on my shelf. That is a life time of work. And they did it one word at a time.
Being consistent does require patience sometimes enormous patience, doing something for its own sake, not just for results. It does require faith. One can be consistent and flexible within a structure. For instance, Weight Watchers is now very flexible. And I am consistently eating great food. I’m not denying myself anything. Really. It’s mostly about being conscious and planning. I love everything that is good for me to eat. I don’t have to eat dry lettuce and Sweibach. I love going to the Y, getting on the bike and reading junk magazines.
Being consistent also requires enormous support. Great athletes have great coaches: they do not do it by themselves. I saw an article (in one of those junk magazines) about some actress who needed to get in shape for a film. She spent ten thousand dollars and had six people helping her, trainers, cooks...whatever. Of course, she got into shape.
I don’t have that kind of money to spend, but I do have great partners in my friends. We support one another. I have found that it is great support that can keep you moving or get you unstuck.
It’s not fun to fall off the magic track, derail, get lost, be stuck. It’s happened to me many times. My mother took a picture of me when I was about three. I am sitting all alone in a child-sized train in a park. The train will not go. It is closed for the day. I am bawling my eyes out. I have felt like that often. I can’t get the magic train to move. I am learning that when it won’t move or go where I want it to go, none of my forcing or resisting will change it. Accepting what is (including my disappointment) and then moving on is the only way I have found to find the train that is moving. And judging myself, blaming myself for the fact that the train is not moving will keep me stuck forever. I can’t get out of it if I’m judging myself harshly. (or anyone else, for that matter.) It’s taken me a long time to learn to say, "This train is not working. I think I’ll get out of it." I can’t think of a time when I didn’t have that choice even if I was afraid to take it. All my will, my stubbornness, my rage, my fear, my attempts to control things have never fueled the magic train or made it move forward and go where I want it to go.
What does get you on the moving magic train? It’s obviously not about being good enough or perfect enough or smart enough or healed enough. It seems to me the Four Principles bumped up to their highest expression is what does it.
Commitment: Open your heart. Open it as wide as you can. Love. Be really clear about what you want and need. Follow your heart’s desires, your authentic needs and wishes.
Be present: Show up for yourself. Dedicate yourself to awareness: feel your feelings, listen to your intuition about what is the appropriate very next step, take that step, then notice what happens in reality (do not listen to your mind) Keep repeating that process.
Relaxation: Enjoy the process! Have fun! Have faith. Trust. Accept where you are. Give up judging yourself and comparing yourself to others. Ease! Pleasure! Gratitude! Let go, let God! Those things. Do anything you can to increase and maintain your relaxation on the highest possible level. Humor! For god’s sakes, don’t forget to laugh--especially when you fall off the train.
Communication: Support! Get as much support as you can and then get more. Be a genius about support. Get the best support you can find. Communicate what it is you want and need everywhere you can: to the Universe, to God, to people who can help you, to yourself when you go to bed at night and wake up in the morning.
I’m in my bedroom, I have picked up a picture of Pansy, my big black cat who died--oh, my god, is it 18 years ago? I notice that the picture seems to be fading: there are red dots in his black fur now. I am holding the picture and remembering the 19 years I lived with him, how, for 19 years he would sleep curled up next to my right side wih my arm around him, his head on my shoulder. Some nights he would wake me up patting me on the face purring loudly. One night, my ex-husband, Jim, grumbled, "Would you tell that cat to stop being so happy!" I laugh at the memory. The phone rings. It’s Julie calling on her phone from downstairs. "Can I read you what I just wrote?" she asks. "Sure," I say always ready to hear what she writes. She has no idea that I have been sitting in my room looking at this picture. She said she has just written a poem entitled A Black Cat. "Yeah?" I say stupidly, "Read it to me."
How did this poem come to be written? Did Pansy reach through time and space to inspire Julie?! How magical is this Universe we live in? How mysterious is it, really? How connected are we all, truly? My mind cracks. "Nah," it says. "There’s nothin’ magical here. There’s no connection. You don’t drink coffee."
"That’s right, I don’t," I agree stupidly.
Community News
Speaking of magic, put CHRISTOPHER DURANG’S Betty’s Summer Vacation on your must see list. At Playwright’s Horizons now. It may be moved to another theater. CHRIS is a genre all to himself: horror comedy. It’s hilarious, wonderful, well-directed and acted. Go!
I was also lucky enough to see a staged reading of a funny new play called Take This Show and Shove It (the trailer trash musical) starring BABS WINN. She’s in top comedic and musical form and topped off by a hilarious wig. Now, you too, can see her starting May 7 at the 13th St Theater (50 West 13th Street) Fridays at 9:30, Saturdays at 11 p.m. Call 212 675 6677 for tickets. It’s fun! You can also dial her toll free number 877 769 9337 (or Kickboogie@aol.com) to get a copy of her CD Good Home Cookin! Buy it! Even if you’re not a Country Western fan, it’s a WINNer!
Congratulations to BILL BRODERICK! He will be starring in South Pacific and The Sound of Music this summer with that gorgeous voice and powerful presence. We’ll miss him in class!
PATRICE FOSTER is completing her three song CD called Blue Spirit. Knowing her amazing voice, it’s bound to be great. Saw hergraphics and pics. Beautiful.. A $5 steal. More later.
LIZ MCDONALD just won a NEA grant for playwriting! Amazing One of two in the country! Those of us who heard her developing writing in class are not surprised--just thrilled. Oh, hooray!
STACIE TEELE is getting her humorous writing produced. Her mad cap, sexy monologue, Men in Uniform, is being made into a short film! And. It’s starring ELLE ALEXANDER who just played a great role in the new Donnie Brasco TV series!
MARK RANSOM and JENNIFER SCOTT MOBLEY are in Denmark (If all the world’s a stage...who is the audience?) April 22-25th Thurs-Sun at 8, Sat and Sun at 2 at walkerspce, 46 Walker Street, Reservations: 917 854 1191. Free!
RICHARD MARSHALL and ALIX ELIAS are performing A. R. Gurney’s Love Letters here and there. They have been treating us with installments and are adorable together. They’ll be at Gettysburgh College on April 10th and 11th. Will let you know their next dates in New York.
SHIRA ZELTZER will be in another A. R. Gurney piece Another Antigone at the John Houseman theater 2 450 West 42nd St. April 28 throu May Wed thru Sat. Call 212 946 5117.
If you like jazz, go see and hear ELLI FORDYCE’s dulcit tones and great style. She really needs your an audience for the taping of a one hour TV show on April 30 at 7:45 p.m. Call 917 806 3065 for info! Should be fun!
Be sure you catch AMY ANDREWS and LISA ROCK, Friday nights (10 p.m.) in April at Solo Arts Group at 36 West 17th Street 5th Floor in Kuru, a long form improvisation. It’s very cool and they’re both great. A 5 Buck Bargain!
Oh, yeah. You can spot me on the tube here and there: as a judge on Law and Order, a secretary from hell on Guiding Light (May 10) and the resurrected Dr. Gretchen Erle on All My Children a couple of days in late May.
Most of this news is from people in class, so if you’d like to be included, let me know. Sorry if I missed including you in the news. I need a news editor.
